Text: Yana Stepova
The boyfriend dumped on you all the houses, and you also have a job. The boss wants to work for three salary. The neighbor in the apartment is a fan of purity, and you do not bother the mountain dishes in the sink. It seems that a serious conversation is brewing - but what should I do if you are afraid of disadvantaged and potentially conflict conversations? We tell how to survive a difficult moment, not to burn out of shame, do not pass positions and do not hurt the interlocutor.
Think the worst outcome of the situation
In conflicts, we are often waiting for people's bad people: what will be attempted to "sell", they will give stupid, they will arrange a scandal, passing responsibility to us, or will stop relationships with us. Particularly often faced by those whose parents in childhood did not know how to recognize that they were wrong, they used physical punishment or did not rebuild the rules of the family as the child grows ("To go home to nine - and it doesn't matter that you are already sixteen years old!" ). If the child is used to, what for disobedience, he gets a purse or shouting on him, he and in an adult life will wait for people of extreme manifestations of aggression in response to any attempt to designate the boundaries or express disagreement.
The problem is that often a person does not prove these expectations even internally. His thought stops at the point "to me to treat me worse," "I don't want to make a conflict situation" - and then it becomes too scary to disassemble what is happening. In reality, a person may be afraid, for example, that he will be fired if he is asked to raise the salary or refuses to go to work at the weekend. Or that a girlfriend will stop responding to calls, if it is right now to disagree with it in the dispute. That the partner will suit the scandal if he suggests him to divide home duties equally, since you also work on an equal footing.
Sometimes it is useful to draw this frightening picture to the end. For example, you are afraid that the partner will begin to shout and will generally refuse to discuss the question of dividing homemade. How to act in this case? Is the partner's cry really - an argument in favor of you every week on my own soap all the apartment or every evening after work I got up to the stove? Are you so roads this relationship to be free serving and endure obvious injustice? Is it possible to come up with a third option (hire a housekeeper, clean the house less often, order ready-made food, cook and clean together ...)? Think in advance what options you agree, and what you are not at all suitable and where you are willing to make concessions.
Or, for example, you ask the boss on the increase, and in response it will put a sheet of paper on the table and suggests you to write a statement on your own. How will you act? And how are you going to his act? Is it worth keeping work in the firm, the leader of which behaves so? Perhaps as a result of this exercise, you will understand that the concerns are not readless - for example, if, in the past year, one employee really fired when he demanded an improvement in the working conditions, - but even in such a situation you can decide what we would like to stay at the current job . Based on this, it will be possible to build a conversation so that you are with a greater probability remaining on your position. Or at all abandon the idea of \u200b\u200braising this question now.
It is important to explore your fears, and not to close your eyes. When you say in detail exactly what is afraid, fears will gradually decrease. Or the other questions will suddenly be relevant: "Why do I think in advance what I love me, only when am I comfortable and functional?" Is I True I consider myself so much a valuable employee that I am waiting for dismissal at any moment? ".
Do not be afraid of someone else's wrath
Another person can be very displeased with the fact that you defend your rights - he can even try to go to the conflict. But one only discontent the interlocutor should not stop you, because anger does not make it right by default. As already mentioned in the previous paragraph, someone else's aggression is especially frightened by those who in childhood survived violence or severe appeal by parents, or those who grew up in the family, where the roles were not rebuilt on time: with a five-year-old handed down as a baby, but with a teenager - like a five-year one.
When an important person (partner, girlfriend, colleague) expresses discontent or anger, such people tend to "fall" in a children's position. They seem to forget at this moment that they are adult equal participants in the conversation, and turn into frightened and adhesive children who are ready to obey the adult. In such a state, a person is easy to inspire that his claims allegedly selfish, inadequate and excessive and should be ashamed to make this conversation (very convenient, is not it?).
If you are prone to such behavior, it is important to learn to notice it and gradually change. Remind yourself that childhood ended, you are already twenty (thirty, forty) with more than a year and you are not at all obliged to put the interests of another person above our. Moreover, no conversation is ashamed to begin if it is calm and respectful. If the interlocutor seems that your claims are excessive, he has the right as calmly tell you about it, but not to shame you for raising the question itself.
Speak as an adult with adults
And what if the conversation is not quite equal and his second participant has greater power - as a boss, or a senior relative, or, for example, a partner or partner, which is now the main miner in the family? In our culture, the conversation from the position "adult - adult" is generally rare. It is believed that the one who possesses the authorities is automatically endowed with parental features and relevant powers, and the second participant of the dialogue must "add up" and take the position of the child. Adults, based on these beliefs, often talk like this: "Of course, the boss did on me - I also allowed such a joint" or "Well, what to do, for our parents we are always children."
In fact, ideally should not be. When someone from the conversation participants has a greater power, it means that he has more freedoms and at the same time more responsibility. For example, the head of the company can make its own schedule, delegate the tasks and receives an order of magnitude more money than its subordinates, and on the other hand, it is legal and reputational responsibility for the activities of the company. But this does not mean that he has the right to shout on the subordinates, spill them or take some decisions for them that are not related to work. The same with the parents: As the child grows, the role should be rebuilt and twenty - twenty-five usually go to the "adult - adult" position. This does not mean that you become someone else's people - but you can make decisions independently of each other and take care of each other, like loving adults.
Also with a partner who earns money. The family implies equal responsibility and equal. How exactly the efforts between partners are distributed and where they are applied, it is possible and necessary to negotiate. But the phrase "I earn money, so you have to (should) obey" - this is in any case an argument.
Speak without excavating emotions
I do not need to ignore your feelings. But that the conversation took place, to convey them to the interlocutor in the "reworked" form, that is, talking in words. "How can you talk to me so? Yes, do you even understand how I'm tired? You can, but I do not - so, what?! " - These are incomparable feelings. Often they are served precisely that because they want to immediately throw out emotions on the one who is guilty of them (or who now seems to be a culprit). The problem is that a constructive conversation after this beginning will not work: with a high probability, the interlocutor will answer you the same and the scandal increasing like a snowball.
How to prevent this? Try to prepare, recycling your feelings. To do this, you need to realize: "I am infuriated when he does," "This situation seems to me completely unfair and causes anger", "I am very offended by that." Sometimes it helps to set out everything in writing (but do not send anywhere - it's just for you!). When you write that you feel, it simultaneously gives to throw out emotions and helps to analyze them.
It is worth thinking about what else you want to convey to the interlocutor. What is the outcome of the conflict situation seem good to you? "I am very annoyed by a dirty dishes fell on the table, and I would really like to be at least folded (a) her in the sink, but ideally soap (a) for me." "I am very sad for that lately you delay at work until midnight and ride there also on Saturday. I would like at least twice a week you returned to nine and that we spend the weekend together. "
If you do not know how to solve this situation, it is worth identifying that you want to think about it together: "The number of my tasks greatly exceeds the possibility of one person and does not fit on the working day. It makes me work every week on the weekend. I would like to somehow change this situation, and I came to talk to you about it, "" Recently, we have practically stopped talking. What can be done to communicate more often? ".
Be prepared that the interlocutor will try to "merge"
The situation to which is also worth being prepared - if your interlocutor tries to escape from the conversation. You may behave this way; This makes two "convenient" ways. The first - "Translate the arrows", doubt your adequacy and the right perception of reality: "You are too generalizing, not so rarely we are together. Yesterday they spent a wonderful evening in the movie, what don't you like? "," Always you exaggerate, and then you are upset "," You don't have much duties, and I believe that with good time management you could do On time, "and the same answers. The second way is to refer to employment and say that now inappropriate for a conversation time: "I'm so tired per day and I want to eat, and you start again," "In ten minutes I have a meeting, let's talk about it next time," " Listen, already eleven evenings - maybe we will not quarrel overnight? "
The optimal response to it is in no way comment on the statement about you, your character and your emotional features, but to persistently return a person to the situation you want to talk about. If he says that the time is inconvenient - insist on the other, convenient, but accurately agree. Imagine that your friend, a partner or manager literally told you the following: "I don't want to discuss it, but I want to pretend that nothing happens." In fact, the messages are higher than those who are on them and it is worth responding, as calmly as possible, but convincingly.
"The situation is really critical and we need to talk about it soon. When can we assign the next meeting? "," If you are inconvenient to talk now, let's choose another time, but not later tomorrow, "" I really worry about what is happening, and I want to discuss it now, when you are at home, "" The way we divide the duties seems to me unfair and absolutely not satisfied with me. I want to negotiate and redistribute them. When can we do this? ".
Remember that the conversation may not work
Even if you prepare well and think out, unfortunately, it does not guarantee that your conversation will be good and will lead to the desired change. Why is this happening? It happens that the conversation was still held, but you and the interlocutor came to mutual accusations, emotionally express our discontent with each other - and bogged down in this. Oddly enough, it will sound, but this is the most constructive option from the likes with not the worst forecast. The fact that you basically started the conversation and at least tried to understand the reason for nonsense, says that you both are configured to save and improve relationships. Perhaps you need the help of a neutral third person - a psychologist, a mediator or someone else who will help to send a dialogue into a constructive channel and hear each other.
It is important to distinguish this situation from the one where a person just simulates involvees to translate all the responsibility on you, directly or indirectly pour aggression and avoid any changes. This is a toxic situation, and it is difficult to recognize it. Here are some signs: after talking to you morally very hard; You have signs of somatic disadvantages (from insomnia to allergy seizures); The interlocutor never recognized that he was responsible for something, or acknowledged her in the spirit: "Yes, I am such a person, but you will have to come with it." Or a person uses very rough generalizations: "You are always", "you never", "you are such a person that it is impossible to you." Another anxious bell - the interlocutor continues to run away from the conversation, refusing him under any pretexts: "I have no time," "I don't understand what you are", "You are inventing everything" or even directly - "I'm tired (a) talk about it And there is nothing to discuss here. "
Last options look alarming and pretty hopeless. In fact, a person wants to keep the current situation at any cost, even if it worsens your relationship or stop them at all. You can try again to talk, straight saying how you see the situation. If it does not help start a dialogue, it is worth thinking if you need such unequal relationships in principle. It is impossible to feel good when you have at all there are no levers of management situations and you constantly find yourself before choosing: "Terpi or go, if you don't like something."
Psychologies: Why are we afraid of conflict?
Andrei König: Our fear has only one reason: the conflict is associated with negative feelings. This is a way out of the comfort zone. We do not love her to leave, it seems destructive. And since the culture of the stay in these destructive processes does not exist at the modern person, then he seeks to be in comfort and runs from the conflict.
But many associated conflict with violence, scandals, shame ...
The conflict does not mean hysterics, cry and disassembly. This is a confrontation that is beneficial to all its parties. This form of relationships should be practicing everything from time to time. If someone violates your interests, you need to run confrontation. There are people confinitive, trouble-free, all consonants. But they are the most injured: they do not have their own territory, energy, because everyone enjoys all this. What does it look like? The man drowned his finger, hurt - he hurts him.
A modern man is not trying to cure his finger, he is trying to avoid pain. He starts blowing, says: "Make me anesthesia," asks when it stops sick. That is, the pain is synonymous with the words "problem." While there is pain, there is a problem. In fact, it is not. Pain is synonymous with healing. And the conflict is the same story.
Conflict is necessary when the system requires rapid development
When a person becomes uncomfortable, it does not mean that something goes wrong. This means that it is in conflict and conflict requires a little other behavior from it than in conventional constructive confidence communication. This is an adaptation reaction. But we do not like it, and instead of adapting to the surrounding reality, we often try to just stop feeling bad.
But why does a conflict situation arise?
There are three types of situations that lead to conflict. The first - when our borders are violated: physical, psychological, any please, - and then we need to designate for the world where they pass. In the literal and figurative sense, say: "No! It is impossible to go here, this is my territory! " You can solve this task only through the conflict, no other form of communication here does not work. Conflict function here - protection of borders.
The second situation is stagnant when the system needs to solve some task, but participants lack for efforts and motivation. For example, in family relationships in family relationships: Partners are losing interest in each other. And then the conflict can give that energy that they lack. One, let's say, changes, the second eventually does not withstand and explodes. They are collapsed in the fluff and dust and in the end either disperse, or agree. Oddly enough, more often agree, and the relationship is refreshing.
Sometimes the relationship is impossible to establish without entering the conflict
Finally, the third option - the conflict occurs when the system needs to develop very quickly. And the fastest growth occurs in the conditions of an aggressive opposing environment. If you take the scale of the state, the highest rate of development of scientific and technical potential is noted during wars. The same at the level of interpersonal contacts. Let's say boys when growing, very quickly learn to fight in conditions of competition for girls or find an approach to teachers at school, competing for the assessments.
Are there any rules for resolving the conflict?
The first thing you need is to be afraid to be afraid. The second - it is not necessary to fear to ruin the relationship, entering into confrontation. Sometimes the relationship is impossible to establish in another way. As a child, we fought, then become friends. For some reason, becoming adults, we forget about it. Who will I need, if not able to designate, what am I valuable, what are my interests? Only when the surrounding will be considered to be considered, healthy relationships will arise. The third moment: entering the conflict, you need to clearly understand that you have the task you are trying to resolve this way. The task decided - the conflict comes down. This is a healthy course of the situation. But when the parties do not understand their tasks, the conflict can delay.
Long-term conflict is a pathological situation. Then we spend too much energy for its maintenance, and the forces to solve the problem no longer remain. Depressed, psychosomatic disorders begin. Another typical option is "sofa-TV disease", when a person "nails" to the sofa and TV and he says that he doesn't need anything else in his life. It is almost impossible to exit such a state.
And the respectful attitude to the other side is not required?
And what do you mean - respect for a person or to his point of view? These are different things. You can respect a person or not respect, but we cannot be respect for someone else's point of view in the conflict. After all, what is respect? This means to assign high value. Conflict communication just suggests that we cease to assign a high value of someone else's point of view. We fight her. If we become in the conflict to proceed from the interests of the other side, we will always lose. The charm of conflicts is that they allow us to return the value of your own point of view. When we are aware that it is important for us, agree faster than if you ceremony and try to negotiate.
Does this concern even relationships with loved ones?
Sure. Crisis is inevitable. For example, any couple arises the crisis of the first year of living together, due to the accumulation of differences. No matter how well partners relate to each other, no matter how confrontated, about a year after the confrontation step occurs. Because they became closer and, accordingly, they hurt each other more often. And it is in order to form a more careful attitude to each other, they need to designate the borders: so I uncomfortable, it is unpleasant. Throughout family life, partners pass through crisis points and regulate relations through the conflict.
But we usually teach children to solve the problems peacefully. So, do we teach them to suppress conflicts?
If parents tell the child not to show negative emotions, he is taught not to suppress the conflict as such, but the fact that the conflict in this form in this family is unacceptable. And children are looking for other options - they learn to do someone's troubles, sickness ... That is, by proving them some forms of conflict, we teach them to develop others. In fact, the conflict needs a child to learn to say "no". How will he do it if he won't defend himself? Therefore, his conflicts with other children, with teachers and in general with an adult world - this is normal. In addition, often children enter the conflict only in order to show that they are, their opinion is valuable. It is important for them to make sure that someone takes them into account. There are periods when children in this especially need: in 5-7 years, in adolescence. I would recommend parents to remember this and at least sometimes play a child in disputes.
About expert
Professional conflicts - inevitable evil. We have to defend our point of view, to indicate others on their mistakes, to achieve their time in the conditions of lack of time or resources. Sometimes it is difficult and even painfully, especially if not all conflict participants are ready to observe labor ethics.
In the working environment, confrontation is part of the production process, and most often local clashes pass quickly and quite correctly: both sides understand their role and focus on the result. As a result, labor conflicts already contain a grain of a compromise that you just need to find. But sometimes we have to face those who "playing dirty" using the methods of the household scandal in the work situation: the transition to individuals, veiled or direct insults and the substitution of concepts. Does everything to turn a constructive conversation into a domestic svar. What are the reasons for this kind of conflict?
What defends the aggressor
"A person who commenced conflict communication, as a rule, has already experienced a sense of humiliation," says the psychologist Anatoly Dosness. Such a feeling, unfortunately, experienced almost everyone, but for some people the experience of humiliation turns out to be destructive. For example, if it is received in childhood, from people meaningful for a child.
"Such people," continues Anatoly Dosness, is suspicious and the desire to constantly control their surroundings. Their goal is to prevent the repetition of the humiliation of their personality. " Unfortunately, it is manifested as a hatching and a tendency to see the attack where it is not. When it comes to such a person with working proposals, he can take them for trying to remove him as a person and professional.
There is a conflict, but not interests, but ideas about the situation. While one of the participants in the production conflict believes that it is about working moments that need to be discussed and moving on, the other believes that his honor and dignity in danger, and therefore it is necessary to defend them immediately. Huming someone else's dignity.
The purpose of the aggressor is to hurt, find a sensitive string of the interlocutor
Gender stereotypes are running ("Women don't understand anything"), insults on the basis of age ("Young else to indicate"), hints for incompetence ("ponabral on the announcement") or someone's protection ("Daddy attached"). It can be straight and rude or veiled, but this is no less insulting. For the aggressor, there are no forbidden topics, and sooner or later he achieves his own: taped a sensitive string, finally drags his interlocutor from a working situation into a household conflict.
It is worth answering an insult to an insult or even just to show that the words of you are treated, and the aggressor can celebrate the victory: a working topic is forgotten, the result is not achieved, but the nerves and humans are dignified.
There is only one way to get out of such a situation with honor: not to enter it. However, it is not about avoiding confrontation. The path to the decision of a professional conflict - in a consistent desire to keep the situation within the working negotiations. Let the other try to offend you or hurt you, you must achieve the result, and only it matters. First of all, for this you need to keep yourself in your hands.
How to avoid conflict
"If you have lost control of yourself - you lost everything," says Psychologist Robert Bikel from Toronto University. - Manipulative behavior is directed to call you an emotional reaction, make you behave aggressively or, on the contrary, to defend yourself. If we lose our composure, we do exactly what the manipulators want from us. And losing, because we enter the game, to win in which it is impossible. Self-control is obligatory, and it is precisely control of behavior. You can get angry or upset if your choice, but you need to follow your behavior. "
Dr. Bikel offers a few simple rules, following which polite, educated, socialized person can get out the winner of the labor conflict with an aggressive manipulator.
Do not hurry to respond. Before entering the conflict at work, think about how to deal with the situation, experiencing and causing at least unpleasant emotions. Only then act.
Yes, it means that you must take care not only about your feelings, but also about the feelings of your interlocutor. Remember that he is a man, even if he behaves inappropriate. That he can also hurt. Moreover, it hurts him right now, and let them not exacerbate his suffering in your authority.
Pay attention to the speed and volume of your speech.An excited person is inclined to speak faster and louder, forcing the interlocutor to also raise his voice. The faster it is, the less thought in it and the higher the probability that something irreparable will be said. Do not hurry. Weigh your words.
If possible, take a timeout.This does not mean that you need to evade the conflict, rather - to postpone it. If you see that your opponent boils from negative emotions, invite him to transfer the conversation. "I'm not ready to talk to you about it now. Let's appoint a meeting for tomorrow. " So you will get the time to prepare, and your opponent is to cool the time. In addition, since the conflict occurs in the team and in front of colleagues, perhaps one of them uses its influence to calm the aggressor.
Do not risk. Sometimes it seems to us that in one reason, for example, a good joke or especially a murdering argument - you can put an end to confrontation. But the fact that it works so well in the Sitkoms is extremely rarely working in life. Be correct and do not try to finish everything in one fell.
Focus on the result. We get what focused on. If someone behaves aggressively and provokes you to conflict, you can concentrate on insults, and then there will be only more. And you can translate a conversation into a constructive channel, leaving provocations and insults for the scenes. And this leads us to the main recommendation.
Words that will help in confrontation
- "Yes". Even the arguments against need to be started with the words "yes" - a person tend to calm down when they agree with him.
- "We". Not "we are against you", and "We are with you." Try to include yourself and another member of the conflict in one social group: people are easier to face representatives of "their tribe".
- "I understand that you are upset" - in response to all attempts to insult you. So you simultaneously reject insult and give for forgiveness for him.
- "It's really not easy" and other phrases that will show: you realize that your enemy lives hopelessly, but the situation requires additional effort.
- "I heard you / a" - almost forbidden reception. Use only if negative argument went in a circle, and the circle is the third.
- "Let's both take a timeout and meet in an hour (in three, Tom tomorrow at ten)" - if you understand that the interlocutor under the onslaught of emotions has lost contact with reality.
Lack of "bait." "Primanka" are words that do not have a different goal, except for how to make you lose self-control, control over yourself and over the course of the conversation. Coming out of himself, you give the reins of the board in the hands of a person who is not inclined to blast your interests. All curses, all insults, all sexist, racist comments The essence of "bait", designed to distract us from the essence of the working conflict. The answer to them is simple: "I understand that you are upset, but the work should be done."
Do not give in. Do not respond to the blow. Do not apply the form that you generally noticed this blow. All you need is to bend your line.
Yes. This is hard. The person who is now trying to hurt you may be cruel. But only you decide whether his attempts are crowned with success. Just to decide whether you really hurt. By the way, the pain subsides, as soon as you achieve your own: for example, promises to perform work to the environment, provide technical support or give financing. The result is an amazing leakage for the soul wound, and only he, by and large it matters. Of course, if it comes to work, not about love.
Quarrels are normal. This is a consequence of the differences between two people. ✅ It is important how partners will be valid after to restore the relationship.
It's no secret that in relationships there are both good and bad days. And often after a quarrel, many pairs simply do not know how to behave in the current situation and how to overcome the difficulties that have arisen. Want to learn about several ways, how can you establish a connection with a partner? Then read further. Today we want to talk just about it!
How to establish a solid connection with the partner
Find a reason to show your love regardless of who was to blame for a good option. This will make your relationship warmer and harmonious. By adjusting the connection with your partner, you will revive and improve your relationship.
1. Do not isolate yourself
When we quarrel and be angry, we often prefer to retire and stay away from our partner. Retire. To go to another room or at all of the house, slamming the door, in search of a suitable place.
But as you remove from each other, you start shouting and swearing even more. The situation from this (and the conflict itself) is only aggravated.
And although at the time of anger, you are unlikely to experience some deep feelings for your partner, try to get closer. Physical contact is a great way to establish communication with a partner.Catch a glance, take your hand, stroke your hair, hug - all this activates positive emotions. You will immediately notice how the tone of the conversation becomes warmer and calmer, and the atmosphere is no longer so tense.
If the quarrel was too serious and you decided to spend some time alone, try to realize these tips in practice right away, as soon as you see your partner (for the first time after the conflict).
2. Control the language of your body
After the hot discussion or conversation on elevated colors, we can say something reconciling to smooth the "sharp corners". However, our body can still express discomfort and stress, which will prevent restore the destroyed relationship with the partner.
For this reason, it is important to be able to identify and control the entire variety of gestures and poses that build invisible barriers between you:
- Hand crossed on the chest (closed posture)
- Updated head
- Gloomy face expression (shifted eyebrows)
Try to relax and look into your partner's eyes. If possible, smile.So you wish to get closer to you (make the first step to reconciliation). He will not be afraid to receive a refusal or another reproach.
3. Keep a sense of humor
A little humor is another good way to restore the connection with your partner.
In order to slightly discharge the tense atmosphere after a quarrel, it is important to remember about your sense of humor. Of course, everything should be in moderation to understand you correctly. Without sarcasm and ridicule. It is necessary to feel this face.
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After all, both men like and women like when a partner has a sense of humor. Then you can figure it out in everything that happened, in a light and semi-film form. You can joke or even put your favorite comedy. Gradually, you will feel more calm and relaxed.
4. Farewell
If you really want to restore a lost connection with a partner, forgiveness is the best thing you can do. And so that it really "worked", need to forgive sincerely, from a pure heart.
Forgiveness is a gesture of nobility that makes the way to new relations between partners.In addition, this is the path of acceptance, which allows you to realize your own mistakes and analyze your behavior in order not to make them in the future.
Forgiveness at the same time does not mean the defeat or recognition of the rulite partner. Forgive - this is to give a new opportunity to develop your relationship.
5. Laski and the manifestation of affection should always be present
Inevitation and stress after a quarrel inevitably lead to the distant of partners. Temporary, but still. And in order to restore the connection, it is necessary to show someone to the initiative and approach the partner.
There is no time for pride. It is better to hug, kiss and say something reconciling and pleasant.Feel this moment while the arms of your partner. After the conflict, this is the most comforting scenario for the development of events, which will help to quickly heal spiritual wounds.
And do not forget to express your feelings verbal. It is so easy to say: "I love you," "I don't want to quarrel with you," I want to talk calmly. " So you can avoid the exacerbation of the conflict and make up.
6. Sex
You probably have already heard the expression "conciliation sex." Of course, it is not worth quarreling only because of this opportunity, but this is a great way to restore the destroyed connection with the partner.
It is impossible to deny that complete reconciliation between partners occurs after sexual intercourse. This is due to the release of endorphins and a decrease in the level of stress hormones.
That is why the conversation after sex is calm and easy. You suddenly discover that the problem no longer seems to be so serious. And find her decision.
Quarrels are normal. This is a consequence of the differences between two people. It is important how partners will be valid after to restore the relationship. After all, love is decidedly everything. Work on yourself. Do not let the routine destroy your relationship and make them cold. Problems and disagreements will always be, it all depends on you. published.
P.S. And remember, just changing your consciousness - we will change the world together! © Econet.
Instruction
The first thing to be remembered during the conflict is that it is in some way or later or later should be resolved. Such an understanding will give you the opportunity to look at the situation from the side and see the complete picture of what is happening. To do this, you need to keep calm, follow your emotions, do not be angry and not to do anything that can lead to escalation of the conflict. Instead of trying to show the fallacy of the position of the other side of the conflict, think about what you can do to resolve the current situation.
It is impossible to solve the conflict, if not to listen to what the opposite side says. If you want a conflict situation to do not, listen carefully to what you are told, otherwise your answers will be completely not argued, the dispute will continue and increase. You can hear a lot of impartial words in your address. Remember that emotions and anger from the opponent is an attempt to defend himself, he may not fully realize his speech at this moment. Your task is not to take similar words too close and try to find out what is his position. After some time, a person calms down. Without meeting resists on your part, he will begin to speak in a calm pace, his position will become more and more understandable.
Try to be as tactful as possible by expressing your arguments. Your words should not be perceived as an attempt to fight back from the opponent. Present your arguments so that the person drew attention to them, and not on your emotional state. Save the concentration of the opponent on the subject of the dispute, it is possible and with the help of a reasonable share of doubt in its position. Allow the right point of view, say that you both have something to discuss in order to solve the situation.
If you conflict with someone at work, never go to his personality. You must concentrate on the subject of the dispute, and not on the fight against the person himself. The conflict situation is characterized by a strong emotional potassium. Some people in such a situation are easier to attack the interlocutor than trying to communicate with him. Do not allow such a development of events.
Specify the right questions. Being in a conflict with a colleague for work or buyer, do not ask him questions requiring explanations from him. For example, do not start your questions with the word "why." Such questions may be perceived as interrogation. Let a person independently decide how he will convey to you your point of view. Specify the questions that will sound as an invitation to conversation. For example, ask the opponent, what is his position, what he thinks about your words, as he sees a conflict situation, etc.